I need a reason to not hate myself.

Don't understand why people seem to think that i'm incapable of doing it. So what makes me so "special"? Do i really come across as a spoilt, pampered and useless girl who's unable to even carry a few plates? So those other girls can handle it and i cant? And it's not like i am underestimating the job scope and whatnot, i do quite know what i'm in for. Even if it's true that i might not be able to do it, isn't the whole point then to gain new experiences and learn new things by trying it out? I just need people to have faith in me instead of putting me down. I need people to say "it's actually quite ok la" with NO BUTS after it and instead, "you should be able to do it". It amazes me how people seem to think i m so incapable and it's time i prove them wrong. I guess i just expected more faith and support, especially from some people, but needless to say i was greatly disappointed. You know what would be helpful? Stop finding excuses to push me away, how about just saying it in my face?

I don't like the ambiguity, how i can never be sure whose side you are on, especially in this case, since in others, you're always clearly by my side. I don't like how you are so quick to defend, even doubting my words. Perhaps due to the long years, a special place is created in your heart, one even you don't know it exists, but it's there, i can see it. Sometimes, your silence is so painful, i know you don't agree but you can't point it out for fear of upsetting me, which then makes me hate myself. I don't like how you think that her "youthful sweet innocence" renders her incapable of scheming and manipulation, simply because it's not done in your face, which is the whole point of being scheming. She definitely means more to you than you wish to admit.

I wish i m more than this you know? The consequences are really not worth it and it's truly a form of self torture. And frankly speaking, there is nothing much we can do about it. And guess what you are not the only one that's being put in a spot, if only you knew. Though this does not make me hate myself any less, i know what i am doing to you.

And i have a reason for hiding these feelings and emotions, so please don't ask me about these. Do me a favour, let me breathe.